Jobs and MBA

This post was written in June 2009. Future tense? Definitely.

As it is well known, among the legions of Post Graduates spawned every year, the most sought after are MBAs. Paradoxically, the least valuable job skills are possessed by MBAs too.

"What?" spat a snooty Mr. Gupta, "I have spent two years learning how to use Excel, Powerpoint and Word, I must have read thousands of Harvard Business Review articles, you say this is useless?"

Awkward Pause

Revelation

"Aarrrrghhh" screamed Gupta, before hurrying away to delete all references to his MBA degree from his resume. Sources later said he replaced it with this more respectable entry.

• May 2007-May 2009

Guest of State, Vellore Central Prison

For Drug and Human Trafficking

Reduced operating costs by utilizing synergies between the two businesses. Used the Humans being trafficked as Drug Couriers. Was caught when one courier got too high and suggested the Captain stop the plane because he had to take a leak.


Mr. Gupta might have gotten a good job in the Construction Industry (see pic), but for the usage of the phrase "Utilizing Synergy".

However, the mood isn't gloomy everywhere. Mr. Singh, a recent MBA graduate went through a rehabilitation program and now has a job in the quarrying industry (see pic, again).

"I was starving when I met this gentleman from Sarva Shiksha Abhiyan" he glowed,"he assured me I could regain some of whatever I unlearned after my B.Tech degree". Mr. Singh is now a contributing member of the economy, whatever he does adds directly to the GDP. "My days of jargon-puking are over" he said, as he sipped some gruel from a chipped cup "Now I can hold my head high"

We interrupt the blog post for this important announcement.

In a radical move to check inflation, the Ministry of Finance has come up with a new strategy to reduce Aggregate Demand. All members of the economy who don't have the potential to contribute to it are to be shot.

"This is sheer brilliance" said the Minister of Finance (MoF), "None of these people affect Aggregate Supply, if they do not exist then demand will fall, prices will fall, it will be Rama Rajya again!" the Minister was later reprimanded by his party, who felt Hindutva was better left to the Opposition.

Indian Population has now been segregated based on Education/Occupation, "Much like Socio Economic Classification" said a Planning Commision IAS officer, the publication of this quote is the greatest thing that happened in his life.

The order of elimination by one-bullet-per-person is as follows:

• Central Government Employees (only those reporting to work after 11 am)
• State Government Employees (All)
• Chennai Auto Drivers
• Engineering College Teachers
  
• All those with BA degrees

Surprisingly, MBAs were not included in this list. "That is because they are so vile, the Ministry of Human Resource Development has decided to use silver bullets on them, and given the state of our treasury, we cannot afford it at the moment" said the Governor or RBI.

"Silver Bullets? Sure we can make them" said the Chairman of Enfield Motors, everyone groaned.

With this we come to the end of our message

Going back to our story, the recent economic slump has led to vitriolic comments from unforeseen corners, The Wardens of Tihar and Vellore Prisons issued a joint statement at a press conference recently.

"We have noticed an alarming trend off late, a number of MBAs claim to have passed the corridors of our hallowed institutions, we are horrified at this erosion of our Brand Value. Any such incidents in the future will invite life imprisonment

Vellore Warden: No wait, MBAs in our prisons? Do you really want them?

Tihar Warden: Oh Dear!.. do we shoot them then?

Vellore Warden: I heard MHRD wants us to use silver bullets, ours are made of cupro-nickel

Tihar Warden: Ill bring out the family silver then, I was saving it up for my daughter's wedding.
"

"Oh Damn!" cried the Placement Co-ordinator of a prominent B-School, "We were planning on a Commit-a-Crime Week to offload some students to prisons, looks like we'll have very few applicants for it this season"

"I think this is a good lesson for all of us" said Murugesan, an Auto Driver in Chennai, better be an engineer than a.... BANG....

We went around America, trying to get some idea of the impact the President-Elect has had on the general public. Below is an excerpt.

"What does this hold for the young budding American?"

"Budding Americans, you mean like these two girls on top?"

" Ummm.... no.... these girls are siamese twins, budding is a method of bacterial reproduction only, humans can't be made this way"

"Thank God, I liked the conventional way better, atleast it seemed better on the Internet"

"{Sadly} It seemed better to me too"

"{Picking self up} Proceeding with the questions, I would like to know what this means for you and your generation?"

"What? The aforementioned sites on the internet?"

"No, Obama"

"The Terrorist? Damn him, That bastard was responsible for 9/11 attacks in 2001! on my mom's fortieth birthday!... I forgot on what date it happened"

"No sir, Barack Hussein Obama"

"That bastard with the Weapons of Mass Destruction?"

"No sir, that was Saddam Hussein"

"I'd be sad and damned if Bush took me out too"

".. Sir, I'm losing patience here"

"You a doctor?"

".. Not patients you idiot, patience.. they are homophones"

"A homo what?...... prepare to lynch, we have a homo here"

"Excuse me?"

"Hey faggot, go tie yourself to that tree"

"I am not homosexual sir, just an unlucky heterosexual"

" The lynch has been cancelled...."

"Let's pretend that never happened and continue"

" OK"

"What do you think of Mr. Barack Obama, the President-Elect of the United States of America?"

"You mean that Black guy? Is he really the President? It was not an April Fools joke by the Rustic Rural Reporter?"

"This is November sir"

"We sometimes get our papers late you see"

"That explains it all"

"Anyway, if this Black guy is going to be the President, let me see... he might subsidize rap music?"

"That might not happen sir, Mr. Obama is from Harvard not some ghetto in the Queens"

"Thats a relief, you see music is like candy, you have to throw away the rappers"

"Hey, I've read that quote before,............ you ripped it off uncyclopedia!"

"Sure I did, does it look like i'm smart enough to think up shit like that?"

"Fair enough... any way, apart from subsidies to rappers, can you think of anything he might do?"

" I know! War on Canada?"

"Canada? Why?"

"Its close by, saves a lot of boring cruises across oceans"

"I must agree.. thats a good reason, plus I hear Canadians aren't very smart, If we are lucky, they might not even notice we've taken over"

"See?..... should I try for the post of Secretary of Defense? or maybe I should settle for Secretary of the Interior"


"May I suggest Secretary of the Posterior?"

"Cool!, thats a word Ms. Venus never taught us! And I graduated high school in the 7th grade"

"You mean you dropped out?"

"Yeah!... I thought I could make enough by borrowing money,buying houses and selling them for a profit... ad infinitum... damn these Collateralized Debt Obligations"

"OK... that line was inconsistent with your observed level of intelligence sir...... I guess Wall Street has more reach than Common Sense in the US"

"Thanks.... no one has ever complimented me before"

"Good bye .... nice talking to you"











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